All in the Name of Love and War

The question I ask myself on a daily basis is what would I do without my family? On the other hand what would you do with your family? Sometimes you just don't have the answers for any questions. I find myself pulling away from extended family because I find them either unworthy somehow or just down right mean. Again on the other hand I love them ALL. I have so much love it kills me sometimes finding myself pulling away. My whole life has been about family!!! Either we didn't have family around growing up or we had a ton of family there for us. I have had a great sense of the word family I think. I'm just not sure how dysfunctional a family is allowed to be. Don't get me wrong I know that there are a lot of families out there who are quite dysfunctional, but I think I should be able to choose how I want to cope with which ones I want to deal with. Basically today I am done dealing with the backstabbers, the delinquents, the liars and the ones who are just plain mean. I am going to concentrate on the ones that need family in the most important part of their lives right now. I have 2 who are fighting desperately for their lives every single day that could so use just a little pick me up. I have my very own little family that needs me every 24/7 that I will NEVER turn my back on. Then there is my immediate family. I have already choosen who is "worthy" of my attention right now. I am finding that if I worry about everything, then I myself start to break down!!! I deplete very fast. Also I have to mention that friends are a very important part of family. Some friends are even considered family in some cases and in my case I have friends that are very near and dear to my heart that are more so family than my own family. I have also taken many of them into consideration. Right now there are 2 that I have been in very close contact with. One of which I haven't talked to in some time and I am happy to say that we are right back where we started we never skipped a beat! I love her so much she means the world to me. I don't know right now what I would do without her. I have to say that there are important people in my life getting me through every day. I have been pretty depressed for a while. It's gonna take a little while to get me back up again. I have relied on my husband, my boys, my sister, my mother-in-law, my "FRIEND", Paul, my aunts and my cousins thanks to you all I am perservering through every day because of you. I am trying to look at the positives in my life to keep me positive. Like my "friend" she is one of the best people in the world and she has been through so much. I look at her now and my gosh she is a mom of three beautiful little girls that she thought she was never going to be a mom of ever. She has a great husband and family. She also has a dysfunctional family as I do. We have parallel lives her and I. We have discussed on many occasion. Paul is a rock, I don't know what I would do if he wasn't around when I was a teenager or even now. He makes me laugh and smile when I am not expecting it or he doesn't even mean to it just happens. My husband and my boys are just all me....My husband, he loves me unconditionally and he doesn't have to you know. We have been together forever and together we have made three very gorgeous boys. We have our ups and downs like any other family but I am not prouder of anything else in the world than I am of them. They are my accomplishment! I have two family members that I mentioned earlier that are fighting for their lives, well. One is my Aunt whom I adore and who has taught me so much. She has stage 4 cancer. This is her second fight. She always has a great attitude when I talk to her. I just wish there was more I could do for her and you know there is one problem with our relationship, my mom. They don't exactly get along so I get a little pushed aside because of that. To me that's not fair because I am not her I am me and I love differently and think differently. This is where family wars come in. My cousin is the other who is really sick. My sister and I went to visit him yesterday and he has a good attitude too. He's just so young and I hope he pulls out ok. The docs are hopeful. I sure had a lot to say to them. I just want everyone to know that I hurt as much as the next person and sometimes I think I hurt a little more. I have a huge heart and it is over filling and spilling full of love and heart ache. I guess that is my flaw, but that's who I am. I feel lately that I have been punished for that quality or curse. Anyway all is not so fair in the game of love and war. Especially when you are the one standing in the middle watching everything just flying around you like you are standing in a tornado and you can't quite grasp the one thing you want. Just for someone to notice that you are just trying to do the right thing by be that one loveing person in that other persons life. TC OUT