My beautiful boy!

I had the opportunity to go get Jessie from the Youth Center in West Jordan on Wednesday. While we were there we attended a meeting about the progress he is making. To my surprise we learned that two out of three testings that were done Jessie scored very high in the Autism spectrum. Which I guess I had already known forever, but it's nice to know that we have a little back-up now. The other high scoring was delinquency , and conduct, which would to me coincide with autism if not taken care of properly. So he is officially diagnosed with being Emotionally Disturbed! But aren't we all just a little at times. He is doing so good at home right now, I can't believe that he is here like he hasn't been gone for 5 months. The other two boys are absolutely enjoying his company. They are all so content with each other. It's fantastic!!! I hate to have to take him back on Sunday, but we do get to see a very special friend on the way back....I think she has special shoes for him too! :) My Aunt and my cousin has moved in for a while too. I have rescued them from a very abusive relationship. I just hope she sticks to her guns and stays away! I hate for her to go back, I would be afraid for both of their lives. I think he is a little crazy! She is so beautiful and special and so is Ashley. Ashley has started school here already and Mary is looking very hard for a job! She went and got her hair and make up done yesterday. I also got them some clothes and things to make them both feel pretty and a little more at home. They don't have anything. He says he's going to send money but I doubt it, because we all know he is a real winner!! NOT!!! She is going to be just fine. Ashley too. They have too much family that love them. Jessie I hope that he will always be successful despite anything or nothing that is ever in his way. Love you My Beautiful Boy!!!

To New and Old

It has been forever since I have last posted anything. So much has happened. I don't even know where to start. First off, I want to say how proud of Jessie I am. He has been away since June and he has worked so hard on himself and finding out how he works in this crazy world. He is working on his goal to come home very soon. The goal is Christmas. I just can't wait, I'm so excited for him to finally be able to live a what everyone else considers a normal life. WTG kiddo. Next, I want to say how proud of Tieler I am. He is growing up to be such a great man. I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. I can't believe that in just a few more months he is going to be 16. Driving and hanging out with friends and going to parties and etc. I love the way he makes his voice go really low because his voice has changed so much. He has a moustache now. It's all so surreal. He also has a great little puppy, Bubba J, he ended up with parvo a few days ago. Tie stayed up all night long to make sure he would eat and drink through the night. He saved Bubba's life. Bubba is now in the puppy hospital and going to make a full recovery. YAY!! He is such a good kid. Last but never least we have CoryAllen, that young man will never cease to amaze me. He is so smart. He teaches me everyday something new. I love these boys sooo much! There is also something else very good happening in our simple but pleasureable lives. My Tomodachi and I are closer than ever. Her girlies are absolutely fabulous. I am so happy to have her in my life and to be in her and her girls lives. I hope that I become an important part of their lives all through their lives. I want to be there when they go through every important part of their lives. I never want to miss anything ever again. I have come to love them whole heartedly. I have also learned that I consumed a lot of energy into myself and not other people. I always brought my problems into a conversation when someone was trying to make me listen to theirs. Always comparing myself of competing in ways. I don't like myself for that but I am learning that it makes people not want me to listen, or makes me not a good listener and that's not me or it's not what I used to be. My mom and I are becoming close again. My step-sister and I are again close and I have missed her terribly. It's like things are all coming together in some unknown way. I also met up with friends of my grandparents and they have sort of adopted me and my family as theres now because my grandparents are passed and was wrongly treated by friends and family. I love them a lot and thank them so much for letting me in their hearts.

At Peace

I think my life at this point is finally coming to a peaceful break. I have let go of so much stress that I feel a ton lighter. All the little things that make people crazy, I have finally started overlooking. I have taken back my life and stopped letting others decide how to make me miserable or judged. I like who I am. I know that I am a very big hearted person and will do pretty much anything for anyone. Some more than others are very critical of others and I have fallen victim to that many times over. I now have a personal goal and mission in life to make it known to those who are mean and nasty that we only get one chance at this life and we should make the absolute best of it that we can. GOD BLESS!

EXCITED

You know when you are just having a really bad day, week, month or even year? Well let me tell ya, these past few weeks haven't been the greatest. We are in financial distress like every other person in United States. My husband and I seem to be fighting on a constant basis due to stress from cash crisis. It's summer time and we haven't been able to do hardly anything. My best friend had been here alot this summer and that has helped alot. She gives me encouragment and enlightenment. My mom and I have been fighting on and off and that is alot of stress in itself. My husband and I are getting ready to lose alot of materialistic things. I feel like we are stuck in a huge tornado and it won't spit us out. I am overweight and have been for a while now. I always think of that, at least every day. I try to do something about it all the time. I try to eat right, exercise, take my medicine like I am supposed to. Nothing seems to be working. Well I tell my husband not to think negatively that things always work out. Because they always seem to for us, one way or another. I think my positive thinking has finally started to rub off. Our financial crisis seems to be looking better and amazingly and shocking to me I have lost 22 pounds. I have no idea how. I guess it's the old saying from dieters. When you just stop trying so hard the weight will start to drop. I couldn't believe my eyes when I looked at the scale. I had to step off and step back on just to make sure it was reading right. Then I just kept giggling. I was so EXCITED!!!! I had to tell everyone that I had dropped that much weight. I hope to lose so much more. Just to think that a couple weeks ago everything was looking so grim. Even three days ago I was on the verge of a nervous break down. I am a recovering "cutter". I have not cut in over 4 years and 3 days ago I cut again. I guess you could say that is how bad I thought my life was getting that I had to go and mutilate a part of my body (my hand). My husband was scared, I was scared and neither one of us knew what to do next. Now just 3 days later, with help from friends just listening and family just caring and my positive attitude and the support of my husband I think that we are going to conquer this to. Onward and forward with life one day at a time. Thank you all!

Days Gone By!

As you can tell many days have gone by. So much has happened. I love to write and tell the things going on in my world. I just can never seem to find the time to sit and tell everything. This morning is so quiet and peaceful that I find that it is the perfect time to say a few things. My mom had an ironic accident. It was a really scary accident and still is. She was using a post pounder to pound post for a fence that they are putting up on their land. As she is doing this, she lifts the heavy contraption and just lets go of it so it can hit the post hard enough to make it go in the ground. I also need to mention that she lives in a very remote place and doesn't really have neighbors or very good reception for phone service. As I was saying, she let go of the pounder and with such force it bounced right off that post and smacked her right on top of the head. I haven't physically seen her so I am assuming it hit her pretty close to the hairline around the forehead area. As she gets knocked silly she started to really feel the effects of the head trauma. She started getting dizzy and the headache and loss of balance. She managed to text my sister who happens to live in the same area as I do which is about 2 hours away. The last text my sister received from our mom was HELP!!! According to the doctors she is experiencing seizures which causes a headache which causes a panic attack. This is where I call her accident an ironic one because just recently she was calling me a drug addict because I take a prescription medication for the same thing that she is experiencing now. I guess that what Kharma is all about. Not that I would ever wish bad things on my mom, because I love her terribly and panic attacks are a horrible thing to go through. I hope she just gets better and doesn't have to go through all the ups and downs that I have been through for the past 13 years. On another note, times are a little rough around here. Larry and I seem to be fighting non-stop because he stresses so hard about everything. He has actually made himself physically ill over stress. I might have a new job. I get to go talk to the lady tomorrow to see. It's only three days a week but that is better than nothing. It's all night time hours and no one at home will even know that I am gone because they will all be in bed anyway. I am excited and scared all at the same time. All I have to do is check ID's at the door of a bar to make sure that everyone is legal to be in the bar. Oh my I just don't think I could handle it. lol!! We finally succeeded the Lagoon trip on the 3rd. It was me, the boys and Ashley. They were too much fun. They went on almost every ride! Even Cory. My little 8 year old was just a little dare devil. We laughed and played and froze to death. It was a blast! I can't wait to do it again. Maybe we can find somewhere else to go besides Lagoon. That way we just don't know what to expect. I'm so proud of myself! My car broke down and I totally fixed it all by myself. WOO HOO! It was a fantastic time...We were just missing one thing and that would my Jessie boy. Writing about him...He called my best friend tonight. That was such a great feeling. Jessie trusts very little people. He called her on his own time and was not told by anyone to call her. He up until now has only called me. I was so surprised. My best friend was so excited. I hope she really amd truly understands how out of character that is for him. Almost an honor for him to call her on his own free will. I just cryed when she told me he called her. I just didn't know what to say or do. Friend you are truly our Angel and I am so glad to have back in our life. Apparently there is a purpose for us to be so close again! I just want you to know how much you are loved and cared for. We will always be here for you. I also want to thank you for all your support today! Just gives me that more momentum to get off my butt and keep it going.
Love to all and Best Wishes

Summer Days

This summer seems to be dragging on forever. Not that I don't like summer. So far nothing exciting has happened. It just seems like we make great plans and then they get shot down as fast as we make them. We have made plans to go to Lagoon in Farmington, UT. Also, I don't know how many times we have planned to go float the Green River and we get slammed because either it is too fast, too full, raining or just not a good day. We so bad want to go camping but then again the weather plays a big part in that. My cabin fever is really starting to take over and that may be turning into a very bad thing. We have done a lot of work around the house and have accomplished alot to make things look better around here, but I think we are done with all that. We are so ready to play. It is time to take our summer back! Even my boys are starting to feel the pressure of just hanging around. When that starts to happen then they start fighting and bickering. My husband really needs a break, you can definitely tell with him. He is very groucy!!! I am going to make it my goal to make sure my family starts having fun starting today. The plans for Lagoon are going to happen over the 4th of July and we are going to go visit my best friend and my son Jessie, can't wait to see him. Then after that hopefully I will get to take a quick trip to Cheyenne with a friend to take her home only for me to see another friend that I haven't seen in ages. That is so exciting. We also have plans to go through Yellowstone National Park and Thermopolis and come home. I have never been to either place and I think it would be a great educational trip for my kids. My husband likes to look and pan for gold so maybe he would have a good time too. Oh so many things and never enough time or enough money to the things you want to do. I just hope that I can spend as much time outside as I can with my family and friends. Hope we all have a great and eventful summer.

Trials and Tribulations of Jessie

Well it is the wee morning of the day of court for my loving Jessie. I was able to pick him up from the youth home today for a day visit and it turned out to be an overnighter. He is so scared and so worried about what is going to happen to him and our family. I have tried to reassure him that no matter what happens, I will always be here for him. All we know so far is that it is a revocation of his probation and he will have to plea guilty or not. We aren't even sure of the charges yet and we won't know until we actually get to court. We did a little shopping today. He is growing so much that he needed some new things to wear so we went clothes shopping and that is one of his favorite things to do. As the evening wore on I think he started to realize that he really misses home and us as a whole. I can tell you I absolutely miss him. He also called the night before almost in a frantic he had to tell me something. Was so special it made me cry. My grandmother passed away 5 years ago and she was a very special lady. Her and Jessie had a connection that only those two could have. It was crushing when she passed and it still hurts. As he starts to tell me this story I could just smile, cry and listen. He told me that he had attended an outside concert with the group from the youth home. As he was listening to the band play their music, which happened to be the nice old country music like grandma or GG as my son put it, liked to listen to. He was listening to the words of the song and he says he felt someone touch his shoulder and give him a little squeeze. Now I have to tell you something, my son doesn't like to be touched by other people it completely invades his space also he is sensitive to touch. So I know that my son is not lieing to me when he says he felt someone give him a comforting squeeze on his right shoulder. He said at first it scared him until he realized who it was. Of course nobody was standing by him and he immediately told me that his GG had come to him to give him that loving squeeze that she had always done to him. It made him feel good about the things that are going on in his life. I just told him that she would always be looking after him no matter what he did. He agreed and said that when she was still with us she had always told him that no matter what it was if it was serious that she would be there for him. Unfortunately in March of this year we lost grandpa too. Jessie says that he knows they are both happy now and that GG would always take care of him. Man I love this kid. Now as you know I have 3 boys, but sometimes in a mother and child's relationship one will need mom more than the others. Right now Jessie has just weighed alot on my mind and my soul. He is such a great kid, I wish that things were better for him. I am not sure how much of his attitude and other things he can really handle or control. He tries so hard most days that he is exhausted by the end of the day because he had to try so hard to keep it together. I will never make excuses for my children. They have all been taught right and wrong and they all know better. I will always be there for them. I hate that I have to watch one of them right now go through the trials and tribulations of life so young. My boy it will be ok and no matter what happens you have special people all around you no matter how far or close they are. You have placed a wonderful thing in so many peoples hearts I just wished that you knew how much. Good night and God Bless, GG and Gpa!

A wonderful day!!

I had the almost perfect day on the 14th. My kids and I attended a special birthday party for a very special young lady who has turned 7! We had cupcakes and I watched my "Friend's" 3 beautiful daughters play! I have just started to get to know them even though my friend and I have been friends since 1992. We lost each other for a little while, but I am so glad and fulfilled in so many ways that we have found each other again. Her and I have missed out on so many things in each other's lives. I was so honored to be a part of their special day. I hope to attend many more with them and those beautiful "girlies" of hers. They have all touched my heart so much all ready. I love them all. Happy Birthday Kaylee!

Trials and Tribulations of Jessie

I have a 13 year old son, Jessie, he is an amazing young man. He has had a pretty rough start. He is many things...loving, mean, caring, beautiful, vulgar, peaceful, violent, most of all my son. I guess I should give some explanation to the words I used to describe my son. I say good and bad things about him, because that is really what he is all about. Jessie has been diagnosed with everything under the sun and moon. Since he was born he has always had a problem with life, is how I want to say it. Of course he was a beautiful baby, but he didn't bond with me. If I walked in the room where he was he would scream! No Joke! He did that until he was about 6 months old. Then he was attached to me like glue, I couldn't get rid of him not even for 10 minutes. The so called specialists call this "reactive disassociative disorder". That is the first diagnosis. As he gets a little older he learns how to walk and talk and be cute, but we notice that he is clumsy and a little more hyper than most kids or he has little mood swings at the age of 3 yrs. He went with his dad on a little trip downtown and when they got back Larry literally threw him in my lap and said, "you better do something with this kid before I hurt him!" As he continues to tell me what had happened I become appalled and worried because our 3 yr old just spit in his dad's face and told him to f-off! I immediately called the pediatrician and made an appointment and because Jessie was so young all they could do was put him on Ritalin and say good luck with that. Jessie started pre-school at the CDC here and they came up with something else for my young child. He now also has Sensory Intergration Disorder along with the first diag. and the ADHD. The SID was the most interesting one. His little body was being overloaded by his senses because they were working overtime. Like a baby does when they are learning so fast in the first few months of their lives. All of his 5 senses work double time. Not like you or I. If we go to the store or somewhere there are alot of people or things going on I have to give him a sucker or piece of gum so just his sense of taste is working and the others are at bay for a while. As the years move on Jessie is functioning ok. He is taking his Ritalin but for some reason he is acting out more and more the older he gets. One day when he was about 9 yrs old he absolutely abused his older brother my son Tieler. I was so upset, I didn't know where or what to do. I just knew that Jessie needed help beyond what I could continue to give him. I immediately drove over to DFS and reported him to their office as an abuse charge. The case worker was a wonderful man. He totally understood that Jessie absolutely needed help and Wyoming did not have a facility for such a young kid at the time, not even the Youth Home. I relunctantly took him home and within 15 min. I received a phone call from DFS case worker and he told me that as soon as we left a gentleman showed up and told him about a wonderful place in Montana that would take Jessie for observation and evalution. I was estatic. We packed him up and went to Montana. He spent 3 months in their facility. They gave him many diagnoses...bi-polar w/psychotic features, ADHD and everything I had already mentioned. He also came home with his very own pharmacy. That part really worried me. The meds were ridiculous. Since that time he has been in WBI, Casper and many medications twice. I took it upon myself to take him to a local psych and we did a med break when he was 11 1/2 yrs. He went almost 4 months with no meds, even started school with no meds and teachers didnt know. Then his attitude and moods started again and another diagnosis "Seasonal Effective Disorder" it affects him every 6 months. He doesn't get enough UVA and it makes him depressed. In all actuality it's a fancy name for "cabin fever". Since the med break he has done some pretty amazing things, and I am not talking positively. We finally got him on some light medication and it seemed to be working until he went to Junior High. He has ended up in the local Youth Home for one month and sent to court for two counts of disorderly conduct...throwing chairs, threating teachers, cussing, running from class. Also one count of Battery for kicking another child in the leg. His consequence was one year of supervised probation. He has so far completed 5 months. At school the teachers are soooo tired, they do not even write him up anymore because it's just not worth it to them. A week before school was out on the 21st on May he was in big trouble at school again and I had to go retrieve him. Well his probation officer was there, the school officer, and his ADAPS teacher was all present. They had decided that it was time to pull probation and place him in the Youth Home again. Also he has to go to court and explain to the judge why he didn't follow the rules. Since he has been in the Youth Home he been on what they call "sub-system" it's like being grounded. So 10 days of that already and that needs an explanation too. He also has 2 failing grades which is another violation. I just keep thinking when is it ever going to end and is my son ever going to act sociably acceptable? I love the way he smiles, the way he gives his loving hugs. He has the best laugh and the cutest jokes. His eyes you could get lost in forever. His court date is soon, and we might lose him for a short time to another facility for his bad behaviors. I just hope and pray that my boy, my beautiful son will be safe and can make it through his trials and tribulations. Love you my sweet sweet Boy!

All in the Name of Love and War

The question I ask myself on a daily basis is what would I do without my family? On the other hand what would you do with your family? Sometimes you just don't have the answers for any questions. I find myself pulling away from extended family because I find them either unworthy somehow or just down right mean. Again on the other hand I love them ALL. I have so much love it kills me sometimes finding myself pulling away. My whole life has been about family!!! Either we didn't have family around growing up or we had a ton of family there for us. I have had a great sense of the word family I think. I'm just not sure how dysfunctional a family is allowed to be. Don't get me wrong I know that there are a lot of families out there who are quite dysfunctional, but I think I should be able to choose how I want to cope with which ones I want to deal with. Basically today I am done dealing with the backstabbers, the delinquents, the liars and the ones who are just plain mean. I am going to concentrate on the ones that need family in the most important part of their lives right now. I have 2 who are fighting desperately for their lives every single day that could so use just a little pick me up. I have my very own little family that needs me every 24/7 that I will NEVER turn my back on. Then there is my immediate family. I have already choosen who is "worthy" of my attention right now. I am finding that if I worry about everything, then I myself start to break down!!! I deplete very fast. Also I have to mention that friends are a very important part of family. Some friends are even considered family in some cases and in my case I have friends that are very near and dear to my heart that are more so family than my own family. I have also taken many of them into consideration. Right now there are 2 that I have been in very close contact with. One of which I haven't talked to in some time and I am happy to say that we are right back where we started we never skipped a beat! I love her so much she means the world to me. I don't know right now what I would do without her. I have to say that there are important people in my life getting me through every day. I have been pretty depressed for a while. It's gonna take a little while to get me back up again. I have relied on my husband, my boys, my sister, my mother-in-law, my "FRIEND", Paul, my aunts and my cousins thanks to you all I am perservering through every day because of you. I am trying to look at the positives in my life to keep me positive. Like my "friend" she is one of the best people in the world and she has been through so much. I look at her now and my gosh she is a mom of three beautiful little girls that she thought she was never going to be a mom of ever. She has a great husband and family. She also has a dysfunctional family as I do. We have parallel lives her and I. We have discussed on many occasion. Paul is a rock, I don't know what I would do if he wasn't around when I was a teenager or even now. He makes me laugh and smile when I am not expecting it or he doesn't even mean to it just happens. My husband and my boys are just all me....My husband, he loves me unconditionally and he doesn't have to you know. We have been together forever and together we have made three very gorgeous boys. We have our ups and downs like any other family but I am not prouder of anything else in the world than I am of them. They are my accomplishment! I have two family members that I mentioned earlier that are fighting for their lives, well. One is my Aunt whom I adore and who has taught me so much. She has stage 4 cancer. This is her second fight. She always has a great attitude when I talk to her. I just wish there was more I could do for her and you know there is one problem with our relationship, my mom. They don't exactly get along so I get a little pushed aside because of that. To me that's not fair because I am not her I am me and I love differently and think differently. This is where family wars come in. My cousin is the other who is really sick. My sister and I went to visit him yesterday and he has a good attitude too. He's just so young and I hope he pulls out ok. The docs are hopeful. I sure had a lot to say to them. I just want everyone to know that I hurt as much as the next person and sometimes I think I hurt a little more. I have a huge heart and it is over filling and spilling full of love and heart ache. I guess that is my flaw, but that's who I am. I feel lately that I have been punished for that quality or curse. Anyway all is not so fair in the game of love and war. Especially when you are the one standing in the middle watching everything just flying around you like you are standing in a tornado and you can't quite grasp the one thing you want. Just for someone to notice that you are just trying to do the right thing by be that one loveing person in that other persons life. TC OUT

Everybody Else

Have you ever just had enough? Everyone asking you to do this and do that for them? You just don't have the heart to say NO. I absolutely am one of those people that can never say NO. I have ran myself down so hard that I have made myself physically sick. I really need to learn to tell my loved ones NO and just live with that decision. Because I know that even if they are upset for even just a moment they will be ok. I won't be totally disowned or something. It's stupid things even. My family think that because I am a stay at home mom that I have time to do their errands along with everything I have to do for my family! Which that is not true I run all the time because I have three very busy boys, two of which are teenagers. The youngest is in minors for baseball. That alone is three nights a week. The weekends is the only time we actually get to see each other all at once. And that is on a very rare occasion. My husband works all the stinkin time so that leaves me at home with the boys and everything else. And everyone else's stuff to do. I hate not being able to leave whenever we want to because I have something going on with some family member. I actually have to schedule everything into my calendar on my phone so I don't forget anything. And even then that doesn't always work. Then I am in big trouble because I have totally spaced someone out. Well I definitely feel better today. Later

IM SOO SICK

Ugh! I cannot believe how bad I feel today! I have all this upper respiratory stuff going on. I breathe in, I wheeze. I breathe out, i wheeze. For those of you who don't know me I have a bad history of lung issues. Mostly just being sick. I had a real scare last spring, the doctors told me I had a form of COPD. I am way too young for that crap!!! Still I was diagnosed with Asthma. I have scar tissue in my lungs from all the times I have had pneumonia, brochitis or whatever crazy thing you can come up with. Even if I get a sinus infection it goes straight to the lungs! BAM I am hacking and wheezin! This time it's hitting me hard. I have a fever and I really can't breath. It just makes me think that I am totally going to get lung cancer. In my family history it's very likely and very possible. Two very important women in my life have had lung cancer. One of which my grandmother, my heart and soul. She fought a very hard battle at the age of 73. She had half of her lung removed and fought with everything she had until the day we all said see ya later. Right now my aunt whom I love very much and who has been there for me is in her second fight. Her first fight, she fought with literally everything she had. We all almost her 13 yrs ago. She had breast cancer and cancer in her lymphnodes. She conquered and prevailed. Then on Christmas in 2007 she was hit with the worst news ever. Again she has cancer. This time she is stage 4 and terminal. It has attacked her left lung and part of her ribs. Although she still fights she is losing her fight. She looks great everyday but I can never tell if she feels good or if she hurts or if she just keeps the faith and the hope. I love her dearly and can't stand to see her go through all this again. Without treatment she is holding her head high. Guess I got a little off track. But if I am going to just sit here and type away this is what you get. Complete and utter nonsense. So anyway I still feel horrible. still wheezing and scared to death that one day I am going to have lung cancer some time in my life. In a round about way you start to understand the reason I write the way I do! So have a good one and come back y'all!

Suckered :)

Ok I have this friend, I actually nicknamed her "Friend" years ago. We got to chatting on facebook.com. Which is actually very cool because it has been way too long since I have last talked to her. As we are chatting she tells me that she has some great pictures of her family on this website. She gives me the website and low and behold it's a blogger site. WooHoo! I am so excited because I love to blog and tell stories and just get out of my head whatever is in there. I hope that this will help me from spinning all the time and keep the frustration out and let the happiness and joy flow to othersl Read, Enjoy and always be happy!